WARNING: This is a horror story. It contains graphic elements, including severe injury and gore. Reader discretion is advised.
May 18, 2017
Started up a new log here in the back. Management wants us to keep track of what we’re doing back here, so I’m still filling out THAT log, but I wanted one for myself, as well. Keep track of how I’m spending my time when I’m not fixing things, y’know?
It’s probably therapeutic or something. I think it’ll be nice, help me organize my thoughts and get stuff out on paper.
Slow day. Put a new plug on a broken fan, that was a new experience. Gotta ask the eggheads up front how it works out, never done much with electricity before.
May 19, 2017
Boring. Usual fixes. Nobody’s used my fan yet, apparently.
It rained today, which always does a number on the lights. Kept flickering all around the building. Need to ask Ted to take a look at them, they’re way beyond me.
Got lunch from the sandwich place that just opened up next door. Decent, might go back sometime.
May 22, 2017
Still haven’t had anyone use my fan. I know it works, but I haven’t been able to give it long-term testing. Still raining on and off though, so I guess it’s just a bit cold for it. Ugh.
Spent most of my day troubleshooting the computers up front. The new software package sucks, I swear they didn’t test it at all before rolling it out.
May 24, 2017
No entry from yesterday because nothing happened yesterday. Boring. Boring. Boring.
I should be happy that things are going smoothly, I get paid the same either way. Kinda feels wrong to just sit around twiddling my thumbs, though.
Ted was in yesterday actually, looked at the lights. He knows what’s up. I’ve been poking a bit more around the shop, looking through all the spare parts trays and tools. I still don’t know where everything is, there’s years of accumulated crap. Hoping to find something to keep myself busy, really.
May 25, 2017
Started working on a little project. We have all these random nuts and bolts around, things that somebody dropped and didn’t go back for. Stuff we picked up off the ground and didn’t feel like sorting away. I just started digging through and pulling out interesting bits.
Ended up sticking a few bolts together to make a sort of ‘U’ shape, and I’m like, hey, I could flip that over and it’d sort of look like legs. So I did. Couple of nuts and washers made for some feet, too. Gonna try and build it into a full little person in my spare time. Keeps me busy, at least.
May 26, 2017
Everything broke today, of course. Someone tested my fan a bit, which was awesome at least, but sorta bittersweet with everything else that was breaking down. Still have ceiling dust all up in my hair.
I spent all day running around, was hardly in the back at all. Didn’t really have time for the work log, so I’m writing this at home, after.
Honestly a little upset I didn’t get to work on my set of legs a bit more. I’m trying to remember what was in the parts trays, and I’m thinking about the best way to put things together when I get back. I have a few days to think about it.
May 29, 2017
Ted was in over the weekend, fixed up everything, of course. I have huge respect for the guy, full stop.
Okay, so I have some qualms, and it would be dishonest to say I don’t, but it feels like that discredits him, when I really don’t want it to. It’s personal opinion stuff. Nothing important.
I picked out a few parts to make a body and torso to go with my bolt legs, but didn’t really do anything with them. Ted is coming in over the weekend to fix things, and this is how I’m spending my time? Doesn’t feel fair.
June 1, 2017
Sorta felt bad about writing this log for a while. Like, is this the best thing I can do with my time?
But SO MUCH of my time is just sitting around, waiting for things to break. I’m losing my mind back here.
Added torso and spine to my set of legs. Starting work on the head, too. I have a bolt going down with a stack of washers and oversized nuts around it, sort of pyramiding out to make a rough curve. Had to leave finishing it for tomorrow. It’s all coming together, though.
June 2, 2017
The fan I fixed broke again. Brought it back to the shop, had another look at it. I’m a bit more experienced now, I did a better job on the wiring this time. Should work fine.
Finished the head. I even made the bolt end on top into a sort of cap topper thing. Working on attaching it to the torso, but it’s tricky working with only the random spare parts around the shop.
But that’s the fun of the challenge, right? I don’t get to have things custom made, I just have to tinker it all together with what I have.
I’ll think about how to do it over the weekend.
June 5, 2017
I found a spare bit lying around to connect the head to the torso, via the spine, even. Put it together and it just wasn’t right. The legs are way too small. I built them first before I really knew the scale of things, and now the poor little guy looks like malformed. Took them apart and started again.
The legs are easy, at least. Bolts with some bushings and other sleeves around them, washers for feet. Just need to find longer ones.
June 7, 2017
Corporate came in yesterday. I’m glad I heard ahead of time.
I ended up stashing my side project in a drawer somewhere. The big wigs never come back here anyway, but… I sort of feel like they wouldn’t like the idea of me spending my time on something like this. Made me question myself again, for a bit.
Maybe I really do need a therapist.
June 8, 2017
Saw someone fiddling with my fan on the way through the offices to the back. It kept sputtering on and off. I was afraid it was my plug job, but it turned out to just be the outlet. Fan worked fine anywhere else, and anything else I stuck in that outlet was faulty. I left a note for Ted about it.
I keep calling it ‘my’ fan. It wasn’t mine before, it was just a desk fan from the office. All I did was fix a broken plug. But I can’t help but think about how that makes it mine, in a way. If it weren’t for me, it would be in the trash.
What does that make my side project? It’s definitely mine, no question. I guess it’s a sculpture, of sorts. Or it will be when it’s done, anyway.
June 9, 2017
He’s done. Or mostly, anyway.
Fiddled with the arms forever before deciding that they were just good enough as they were. Ground down the sides, added bits to try and make them stick out a bit, didn’t really work out. Whatever. I’ve been working on the dang thing for more than a week now, it’s good enough. Simplistic, but that’s a good thing. He’s like one of those homunculus statue things you might see in a doctor’s office, less realistic and more symbolic. I like how he turned out.
I have named him Mr. Spare Parts, after where he came from.
I picked out some locknuts for eyes, they look good. Gonna fit a bit weird on his circular head, but that’s part of the charm.
I’m bringing him home this weekend to get the eyes on there, there’s no super glue in the shop. Feels a bit like cheating, when the rest of him is held together with actual hardware bonds, but it’s a concession I have to make to make him look good.
June 10, 2017
Added the eyes today. Wow. Really adds a lot of depth. He feels like a real little statue-person now 😊
Put him on my bedside table. He’s a reminder that I can actually be creative, if I really try for it.
June 12, 2017
Bored. Ted came in over the weekend again, fixed up what I’d left undone. Not because I was distracted by my side project or anything. I’d never let that get in the way of actual work. Some things are just out of my league, is all.
June 13, 2017
Bored again. Poked around in the spare parts tray. Nothing interesting.
June 14, 2017
I keep looking at Mr. Spare Parts when I’m at home. He’s sort of smiling, even though his mouth is totally flat, because of how it curves around his round head.
Inside that head he almost has a brain, of sorts. It’s a cool coincidence. I stuck a few nuts and washers in there inside the bushings, to keep them relatively centered around the bolt and not all sliding around. It’s a little bit of him that nobody looking at him would ever appreciate, buy that I know is in there. I think that that’s pretty cool.
I’m starting to really regret how I did his arms, though. They’re sloppy. I just wanted him done at that point, and they suffered for it.
I’ll keep an eye out for better parts for him.
June 15, 2017
Nobody is using my fan. It’s just sitting in a corner, cord all wrapped up around the base. The heat is rolling in, I saw one of the eggheads all sweating through his polo, fanning himself with paperwork.
I asked why nobody was using it, and they said it was broken. Sputtering and cutting in and out. I plugged it in, worked just fine. Pretty sure it was just the outlet, just like last time. Left another note for Ted.
Not able to find any better arms for Mr. Spare Parts, but I’m still looking.
June 16, 2017
Spent most of today looking for better arms. Thinking about new ways to fix the old arms as well, but nothing is coming together.
The arms are the only part that’s bare ‘bone’. Everything else has bushings or sleeves over it. I don’t like the bone structure, either. There’s no bend to it, no elbows. I’ve been focusing on the shoulders, but the whole thing is bad.
It’s hot and it’s getting on my nerves. Ted hasn’t been in, of course, so I’m stuck half-fixing things that he could fix in a heartbeat, I’m sure. It’s frustrating.
I need to relax.
June 20, 2017
No Monday log. I was too busy.
I don’t know what the hell Ted has been doing, but it isn’t fixing things. I still do all my work, yeah, but there’s a bit of me that’s really upset that I didn’t get to spend more than like 20 minutes yesterday searching for new arms for Mr. Spare Parts.
He really, really needs new arms. I don’t know what I was thinking. They look terrible. I feel bad every time I look over at my bedside table. I need a better solution.
June 21, 2017
Really shitty day.
I couldn’t find my fan anywhere. It’s hot as hell back in the shop, I figured if the front people weren’t using it then I might as well, but it’s just nowhere.
The eggheads wouldn’t look at me while I was looking around. I think one of them threw it out.
I don’t know why I’m so upset about that. It’s just a fan. It was a broken fan that I barely managed to fix up for just a little bit longer.
But like… It worked. It was functional. It sure as hell would be nice to have back here in the shop right now.
I’m honestly really upset about this.
June 22, 2017
Do they just not trust me? I couldn’t stop thinking about my damn fan all night. I get that there was electrical tape on the cord and that the plug was different, but it worked and it was totally safe. I wouldn’t have given it to them if it wasn’t.
I’m still not going to ask anyone about it. I need to just let it go.
Left another note for Ted about the damn outlet.
I put Mr. Spare Parts in a drawer last night. I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. Then I pulled him out and felt terrible about it.
What kind of person hates the thing that they create? I CREATED Mr. Spare Parts. I just did it badly.
June 23, 2017
I didn’t talk to anyone at work today. Ted fixed the outlet, but my fan is still gone.
I didn’t do anything when I wasn’t busy. I just sat in the back and stared at the wall. I have no inspiration anymore. I can’t find any better parts for Mr. Spare Parts. I know they’re there, but the ideas of how to put them together are just gone.
I think I’m going to spend the night drinking.
July 5, 2017
I did something really, really fucking stupid.
And then I couldn’t write about it until now because I left my damn log here, and after being stuck in the hospital for a day, they made me take the week off, and then we had days off for the 4th and yeah.
My hand still hurts like a bitch. The bandages are pretty thick, but they still get soaked through by the end of the day. I’m pretty sure that everyone up in the office knows about it, but I managed to get past them quickly, and now nobody is calling me out on it. I think they feel bad.
They all believe that it got slammed in a car door. None of them suspect me.
I want it written down. I want it written down so that I can remind myself of how stupid I was, and so that if someone in the far future rights a biography or something about me, they might actually realize what I did, because I don’t deserve to live it down.
I cut off my fucking pinky. Because I’m an idiot. Because I was drunk as hell.
I didn’t even use a knife. I just busted out pliers, clamped down as hard as I could. It didn’t even hurt that much, but God, I can still feel the crunching. Snapping like pulling apart a chicken bone.
It bled more than I thought it would. Like, way more. Probably a good thing, because that made me call an ambulance. They were able to patch me up.
They asked if I had the finger, I remember they said they might be able to reattach it. I don’t remember what happened, but clearly, they didn’t. I don’t know where my finger ended up. It was all a blur.
But now I’m back. Time to pretend I’m just unlucky and not crazy.
Woo.
July 7, 2017
I found my finger.
It was in a plastic bag, all the way at the back of my freezer. Under a bag of ice. The bag was still all bloody.
I don’t remember why I put it there. Why didn’t I give it to the guys at the hospital?
I’m taking my log home every day now. I don’t want anyone to find it.
July 8, 2017
It’s Saturday. I spent the morning looking up pictures of skeletons online.
Proximal, middle, and distal phalanges. The bones in my pinky finger.
I peeled the skin off to look at them. There was cartilage holding it all together, but with some scrubbing and cleanup, I have them separated out. I sealed the skin and meat up in like five different bags before throwing it away.
But the bones are interesting. I laid them over my right hand to see how they’d look. Laid them in the empty space of my left to see where they were before.
It’s weirdly fascinating. I’ve always been so interested in how machines were put together, but I never really thought about biology.
But isn’t that all that a body is? A complicated machine?
I don’t know what to do with the bones now, though. I don’t want to just throw them away.
I ended up wrapping them up in a bad and putting them in my tool box. Relatively hidden. I just need to think of what to do long-term. It’s not like I really need them, anyway. They’re just spare p
July 10, 2017
I remembered why I cut off my pinky.
I called in to work today, told them my hand was hurting too much. They didn’t question it.
I had to let the bones dry, I helped them along a bit. I had to bust out my hand drill and tapper, too, and I had to be really careful. I bought myself a chicken at the store to practice on, first.
Mr. Spareparts has a new arm.
I got rid of the space from his name. This way flows better. And he’s closer to me, in a way. In a very physical way.
Proximal, middle, and distal phalanges. They make for a good arm. Proximal is the upper arm, shoulder to elbow. Middle is forearm. I flipped the distal phalange around, made the little round bit the wrist and the wide bit the hand. Filed in grooves to make it look more like a fist. It’s perfect.
I stuck it all together with spare screws from electronics and repurposed spring pins from an old watch. I’ve just been admiring my handiwork for the last hour. It looks so, so much better than his old arm.
I’m honestly happy about it. My spare parts got to be used.
July 11, 2017
The eggheads keep staring at me at work. One of them finally asked about it, I told him I slammed my hand in the door. He believed it, and he seemed sympathetic, but they still stare at me.
Not when I can see them. But when my back is turned, I can feel their eyes on me. Looking at my hand. I don’t get why they care. Nobody uses their pinky for anything anyway, it doesn’t matter.
I lost something I never even cared about, and Mr. Spareparts got a proper arm. He makes better use of it than I do. It fits him.
Sent out some emails about the front desk software. It’s still terrible.
July 12, 2017
Work was boring. Usual stuff.
Mr. Spareparts is unbalanced. He’s back on my nightstand, but he keeps tipping over toward his metal side. It’s just a bit heavier than the bone.
I’m not stupid. There’s a part of me that’s saying “just cut off your other pinky, make him balanced,” but that’s a call to the void sort of thing. It’s dumb.
But I do have plans for this weekend. I got a bunch of booze and gauze. No painkillers, because I know those go badly with alcohol and they won’t work as well. Have to do it tonight to give myself the most time to recover before Monday.
Doing i t n ow
July 15, 2017
Called in to work, took the day off. Still recovering.
Don’t remember Friday night, but I woke up Saturday with a terrible hangover and both of my feet all wrapped up in gauze, so I knew it worked. Found my little toes in the freezer, where my finger was before.
Did it better this time. Didn’t have to call an ambulance, didn’t use pliers. Found hammer and chisel in the bathtub, I’d done a pretty shit job of washing it all down. Left it for the time being, hurts too much to move around.
I should have gotten painkillers for afterward, but I didn’t think about it, and now I can’t get to the store. I’ll be fine though, it’s getting better. I started walking more around the house today. Put on some shoes to see how that feels, it’s weird.
But the big fun thing to do today is work on Mr. Spareparts. Having the day off work makes me motivated to spend the time well. Stripped off the meat and skin from my toes Saturday, they were dry by today with a little help. Plan is to drill them, sand them, put in the screws. I have the plans drawn up in my head on how I can make them adjustable. They’re gonna be Mr. Spareparts’ feet, and hold him up a bit better so I can adjust for his metal arm.
He’s getting better.
July 16, 2017
Limped to work. Spent the day sitting in the back, moving as little as possible. Went alright, blessedly quiet day.
Too tired when I got home to do anything. Slept.
July 17, 2017
I think someone at work noticed me limping. Boss man was concerned, sent me home early and told me to get rest. Mentioned I might want to take some time off, which is weirdly out of character for him.
That’s fine. I got to tune up Mr. Spareparts. I grabbed some oilites and cut up electric cables from work before I left. Oilites are gonna be sleeves, with copper wire holding them in place and making the shoulder bit. Mr. Spareparts is finally going to have coverings over his arms.
July 18, 2017
Boss called me, said not to come in. He was concerned for my health, something something, Ted was coming in to cover for me.
I guess people were kinda freaked out over me losing my finger? It really wasn’t that big a deal. But apparently HR is making a thing of it, someone reached out. They added a bunch of paid sick leave to what I had stockpiled, told me to use it. I don’t need to come in until early August.
My feet are still healing up, but I just got like… three weeks off. I need to use that time, do things early so I can heal.
It was dumb of me to throw away the skin and meat from my finger and toes. Those were spare parts, I could have used them. Found a good preserving agent and given Mr. Spareparts a proper outer layer.
But I’m learning, getting better as I go. That’s how these things work.
July 24, 2017
Managed to not write drunk log entries this time. And got some powerful painkillers ahead of time.
I’m starting to get my process down really well. Knowing how much to drink to black out so I can skip the memory of the pain, but still do decent work. A lot of it is just prep, making sure I have gauze ready to go and water by my bedside for the hangover and stuff.
On Friday I did my upper thighs, taking a few strips of flesh there. Tried a potato peeler apparently, did not work well at all. Paring knife was fine, much cleaner and more controlled cuts. Soaked the strips in alcohol. Got a decent amount of material; current thought is to make it into Mr. Spareparts’ back and chest, wrapped around a metal spine.
Saturday I took off my big toenails. I didn’t get quite drunk enough at first, thinking that it wouldn’t be as painful as the other things, but boy was I wrong. Good thing I kept the booze nearby. Soaked them overnight and spent most of Sunday shaping them properly. Pulled off the locknuts that were Mr. Spareparts eyes, wrapped the nails around his head to be the base of his face/back of his head. Sort of skull-like on the back? Decent fit, but mostly was just trying to find a use for the spare parts.
I really should have written this down as I went, I feel like I’m forgetting some of the steps or process. Mostly just been resting and healing since Sunday. Taking lots of lukewarm baths. Can’t be hot or it hurts too much.
I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. Diversifying my materials from purely bone opens up a lot of new options. I have one idea, but it’s a big surgery and doesn’t really have a whole lot of benefit.
Gonna have a drink tonight to soothe the nerves and think about it.
ssthurday
i fucked up i think
lots a blood, hurts gonna put more stitches
sunday?
woke up from fever dream. think its been a few days. shit all over my bed rolled over and a bunch of dried blood started cracking
stomach hurts on outside. cut myself open to get at intestine and took a bit. sewed it back together after. i can see my guts through the stitches and theyre all puffy with the thread squeezing in. just waiting for swelling to go down should have done this day one
Tuesday
Bust my stitches while taking a shit this morning. Just the outer ones, thankfully. Sewed them back up. Didn’t need to drink, there wasn’t any pain. Flesh on my gut is all puffy and just feels like meat.
On heavy medication to get my fever down. Still have to focus to write, I’m sweating hard. I’ll get over it. This was the last big thing before I stopped to rest anyway.
Fri. aug 017
fever back worse. keep passing out waking up lots of sweat.
cutting guts was a mistake. cant eat cant crap cant walk cant feel stomach. flies keep trying to land on me
woke up with phone on me, screen was something about necrosis. dont remember searching it but it looks bad.
found my pliers, took off other pinky. set it up to dry
wrote some instructions on what to do with it
its funny. i took something that wasnt spare and now everything is spare.
gonna call ted ask him to come over
hes better than me he can finish mr spareparts
mr spareparts almost perfect. just needs last touches skin other arm guts
wish i could have given him a real brain
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